If one feels drawn towards the ascetic life, how should they know if it's right if they also sometimes wonder if the path of children and marriage is something they want? How do we know where God wants us?
By CopticBot.ai (Coptic Space Inc.) · Last reviewed 2026-10-08
The tension you are describing is very common among those who take their spiritual life seriously. Both marriage and monasticism are blessed, holy, and noble paths in the Church. Marriage is a Holy Mystery symbolizing the union between Christ and the Church (Ephesians 5:32), while the monastic life is an angelic, ascetic consecration entirely devoted to prayer, solitude, and undivided attention to God.
To discern whether the monastic calling is truly from God or merely a passing emotion, and to determine where the Lord desires you to walk, consider the foundational principles taught by the Holy Fathers of the Church:
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1. Understanding the Nature of Monasticism
Monasticism is not an escape from the world, from marriage, or from life's responsibilities; it is an undivided embrace of Christ alone.
- Positive Attraction, Not Negative Avoidance: A true monastic calling is driven by an overwhelming love for God and a desire for perpetual prayer and solitude, not by fear of marriage, heartbreak, social anxiety, or frustration with daily life.
- Wondering About Marriage Is Natural: It is entirely normal for an unmarried person to desire companionship, family, and children. The presence of natural human desires does not automatically mean you cannot be a monk, just as an admiration for asceticism does not mean every married person should have entered a monastery. However, the monastic must reach a point where the love for solitude with God eclipses every other natural and good earthly desire.
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2. Concrete Steps for Discernment
A. Absolute Submission to a Father of Confession
Spiritual discernment cannot occur in isolation. Self-deception is a real danger in the spiritual life.
- You must open your heart entirely to your father of confession. Disclose every thought—both your longing for monasticism and your natural desires for marriage and family.
- An experienced spiritual father knows your temperament, spiritual warfare, weaknesses, and strengths. He will test your motives and guide your steps. Do not take any unilateral steps toward consecration without his explicit blessing.
B. The Rule of the "Monastery in the World"
Before going to the desert, test your ascetic inclinations where you currently live:
- Obedience: Can you strictly obey your spiritual father in daily life? Monasticism is built upon radical obedience.
- Prayer and Solitude: Do you love being alone in your room praying the Agpeya, reading Scripture, and offering metanias, or do you quickly become bored and reach for entertainment and social interaction?
- Fasting and Asceticism: Practice regular fasting, vigilance, and moderation in speech and food under guidance. If you struggle to endure the small ascetic disciplines in the world, the desert will prove unbearable.
C. Extended Visits to a Monastery
A romanticized view of monasticism vanishes quickly when faced with its reality:
- With the blessing of your father of confession, spend structured periods of retreat at a monastery—not as a casual visitor, but as one observing the rigorous rhythm of the monks: waking early for midnight praises (Tasbeha), attending the Divine Liturgy, performing hard manual labor, and dwelling in silence.
- Pay attention to your soul during these visits. Do you find genuine peace and spiritual joy in the rigorous, repetitive routine, or do you find your thoughts longing for worldly attachments, career ambitions, and family life?
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3. How to Know God’s Will
God does not typically reveal His will through dramatic signs, visions, or emotional impulses. Rather, His will becomes clear through:
- *Persistent Inner Peace (Eirene): When you pray earnestly over an extended period—saying genuinely, "Not my will, but Yours be done"*—observe where the Holy Spirit grants deep, lasting peace rather than turmoil or anxiety.
- Divine Providence and Open Doors: God arranges circumstances. If you are meant for monasticism, obstacles will gradually be removed, the monastery will accept you for probation, and your spiritual father will grant his blessing. If you are meant for marriage, God will place a suitable, God-fearing person in your path, and circumstances will align naturally.
- The Period of Probation (Postulancy): The Church wisely does not permit anyone to become a monk overnight. In our monasteries, a candidate must spend years as a visitor, then an applicant, and finally a consecrated novice (clothed in blue/gray) under the guidance of the abbot and elders before ever taking monastic vows and being tonsured in black. This system exists precisely to allow God to reveal whether the person is cut out for the life.
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Summary Advice
Do not rush the decision, and do not torment yourself by trying to force an immediate answer.
Focus today on living a holy, chaste, and obedient life. Serve the Church, attend the Divine Liturgy faithfully, partake of the Holy Mysteries, keep your daily prayer rule, and speak candidly with your father of confession. As you grow closer to Christ, the path He has prepared for you will become clear in His perfect timing.