If I am not at peace during my courtship, is it a sign it is not from God?

By CopticBot.ai (Coptic Space Inc.) · Last reviewed 2026-10-10

In the Coptic Orthodox tradition, peace is considered a primary fruit of the Holy Spirit and a vital indicator of God's will. However, determining if a lack of peace is a "sign" requires careful spiritual discernment.

A lack of peace during courtship usually stems from one of three sources. You must identify which one it is to know if the relationship is from God:

1. The Warning of the Conscience (God's Voice)

If your lack of peace comes from observing clear "red flags"—such as a lack of shared faith, differing spiritual goals, character flaws (like anger or dishonesty), or a lack of reverence for the Church—this is often the Holy Spirit warning you.

• The Church's Perspective: St. John Chrysostom warns that marriage is a "great struggle." If the two thoughts in your heart are fighting—one for the person and one for your spiritual safety—the "Peace of God" should act as the umpire. If you feel a deep, persistent "check" in your spirit despite everything looking good on paper, you must not ignore it.

2. Spiritual Warfare (The Enemy's Tactics)

Because marriage is a holy sacrament, the enemy (the devil) often attacks courtships that are pleasing to God. He seeks to sow seeds of doubt, confusion, and anxiety to break apart a union that would have brought glory to the Church.

• The Sign: This type of anxiety is usually "cloudy" and irrational. It often disappears during prayer, liturgy, or after receiving the Holy Eucharist, only to return when you are alone or distracted. If the person is godly and you are growing closer to Christ through them, yet you feel restless, it may be a trial to strengthen your resolve.

3. Personal Immaturity or Fear of Commitment

Sometimes the lack of peace is not about the person, but about your own fear of change or the weight of responsibility.

• The Sign: If you would feel this way with anyone because you are afraid of losing your independence or making a mistake, the problem lies within your own heart rather than the relationship itself. St. John Chrysostom notes that "human peace" often comes from seeking comfort, but the "peace of God" comes from enduring the struggle of love.

How to Discern the Source

To know if your lack of peace is a sign to end the relationship, follow these steps:

• Look for Harmony: St. John Chrysostom says that the peace of God comes from "the harmony sent by the Spirit." Does this relationship bring you closer to the Church and the commandments, or does it pull you away? If it pulls you away, the lack of peace is a divine warning.
• The "Umpire" Test: As referenced in the writings of the Fathers, let the peace of God rule in your heart like an umpire in an arena. If, after intense prayer and fasting, the anxiety persists and grows into a sense of dread or spiritual "suffocation," it is likely a sign that the union is not profitable for your salvation.
• Consult Your Spiritual Father: You cannot be the sole judge of your own peace. Your Father of Confession provides the objective perspective needed to see if your anxiety is a warning or a temptation.
• Silence the "Two Thoughts": If revenge, spitefulness, or worldly desires are fighting against the thought of endurance and love, you must choose peace. But if the "peace" offered by the relationship is merely a "human peace" based on convenience rather than God’s truth, it will not last.

In summary: If the lack of peace is tied to a violation of spiritual principles or a fundamental incompatibility in the path toward Christ, it is a sign from God. If the relationship is godly but you are simply afraid, you must pray for the "peace which surpasses all understanding" to guard your heart.