What if there's a girl at church whose personality I love but I feel zero physical attraction toward? Should I still pursue her?

By CopticBot.ai (Coptic Space Inc.) · Last reviewed 2026-10-10

In the Coptic Orthodox tradition, marriage is a union of two people becoming "one flesh", a mystery that encompasses the spirit, the mind, and the body. While the Church Fathers, such as St. John Chrysostom, emphasize that virtue is the foundation of a lasting marriage, they do not dismiss the necessity of a healthy, mutual attraction between a man and a woman.

If you feel zero physical attraction toward a woman whose personality you love, you should proceed with great caution and prayerful discernment for the following reasons:

1. The Totality of the Person

Man is composed of both soul and body. A sacramental marriage requires a connection that honors both. While you must never choose a wife solely for her looks—as that leads to the sin of lust and a foundation of "sand"—you should not enter a marriage where you feel a complete lack of attraction. A marriage without this spark often leads to a "brother-sister" dynamic, which, unless both parties have specifically been called to a celibate marriage (a rare and specific monastic-like vocation), can lead to future temptation and resentment.

2. Guarding Against Future Temptation

One of the purposes of marriage, as St. Paul notes in 1 Corinthians 7, is to provide a holy outlet for natural human desires and to protect the couple from the "burning" of lust. If you marry someone you are not attracted to, you may find yourself more vulnerable to the "war of the eyes" when you see other women. By choosing a spouse you are attracted to, you create a "fenced garden" where your desires are focused solely on your wife, protecting the sanctity of the church within your home.

3. Fairness to the Woman

Every daughter of God deserves to be cherished, pursued, and found beautiful by her husband. It is not an act of "charity" or "piety" to marry a woman you do not desire; in fact, it can be hurtful to her. If she discovers that her husband finds her physically unappealing, it can cause deep emotional wounds and insecurity. You must love your wife "as Christ loved the Church," and part of that love is a joyful delight in her entire being.

4. The Growth of Attraction

It is important to distinguish between "zero attraction" and "a lack of immediate, worldly infatuation." Sometimes, as you grow closer to someone in agape* - divine love, their physical features become beautiful to you because they are the vessel of the soul you love. However, if you have spent significant time getting to know her and that physical connection is still nonexistent, it is a sign that this may be a beautiful friendship rather than a call to the Sacrament of Matrimony.

How to Discern:

• Do Not Rush: Do not feel pressured to pursue her just because she is "good on paper." Wait for a peace from God.
• Consult Your Father of Confession: Be honest with him. A lack of attraction is a valid concern to bring to your spiritual father.
• Check Your Standards: Ensure your lack of attraction isn't because you are comparing her to worldly, unrealistic, or immodest standards found in secular media.
• Prioritize Peace: If the idea of being intimate with her causes you distress or an "aversion," that is a clear signal from your conscience.

In summary, pursue a woman who is pious and whose character you admire, but ensure there is a natural, healthy attraction that will allow you to fulfill the commandment to "rejoice with the wife of your youth" (Proverbs 5:18).