It's painful. How can I forget when my heart wants this person in my life?

By CopticBot.ai (Coptic Space Inc.) · Last reviewed 2026-10-10

The honest truth of the spiritual life is that you cannot simply force yourself to "forget." The human mind does not have an erasure switch, and trying to forcibly wipe someone from your memory will only cause you to dwell on them more intensely.

The pain you are feeling is real and agonizing because the heart naturally resists loss. When your heart longs for someone who is no longer there, it is grieving not just a person, but the comfort, the hopes, and the future you imagined with them.

In Orthodox asceticism, the goal is not to produce artificial amnesia, but to heal the attachment so that the memory no longer wounds, enslaves, or torments your soul. Here is how the spiritual fathers teach us to handle this deep ache:

1. Understand That You Cannot Fight Thoughts with Thoughts

When you tell yourself, "I must stop thinking about them," you are still thinking about them. The mind remonstrates, but the heart continues to dwell on what it secretly craves.

The fathers of the Church teach that when a thought or an attachment is agonizingly sweet or painful, you cannot defeat it by engaging with it.

• Do not replay past conversations.
• Do not look at old photographs, archived messages, or their social media.
• Do not indulge in daydreaming scenarios where they come back or where you explain yourself.

Every time you entertain an imaginary conversation with them in your head, you are pouring fuel onto a fire that is burning you. The moment their face or the memory enters your mind, do not argue with it. Sever it immediately by turning your attention elsewhere.

2. Displace the Memory Rather Than Trying to Empty It

The heart cannot remain an empty vacuum. If you do not fill the space they occupied with something greater and holy, your longing will always rush back in.

You must screen off the painful thoughts by immediately turning to things that ground and sober the soul:

• The Jesus Prayer: The moment the ache rises, cry out inwardly: “Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner.” Repeat it quietly, over and over, until the tempest in your chest subsides.
• The Agpeya (Book of Hours): Praying the Psalms—especially when your heart is broken—gives voice to your grief without letting it turn into self-pity. David the Prophet knew profound heartbreak, betrayal, and longing, and his words sanctify our sorrow.
• Meditation on Christ’s Passion: When you feel the crushing pain of rejection or abandonment, look upon on the Cross. He was deserted by His closest companions. He understands the ache of human loneliness intimately.

3. Patiently Endure the Ache Without Panicking

There is a season where the wound simply bleeds, and you must endure it with spiritual patience. In the spiritual classic Unseen Warfare, it is taught that when painful memories and disturbances trouble your mind, you must often bear them with patience until they leave on their own accord.

Do not be terrified of the sadness. When the wave of longing hits:

1. Acknowledge: "I am in pain right now, and my heart hurts."
2. Offer that very pain as a sacrifice to God: "Lord, I give You this ache. Take this longing and let it purify my heart."
3. Wait out the wave without taking rash actions (like texting, calling, or despondently spiraling).

Like a wave in the sea, the intensity will peak and eventually recede. Each time you endure a wave without breaking and reaching out, the hold that person has over your spirit weakens.

4. Examine What You Were Truly Seeking in Them

Often, the soul clings desperately to a human being because it has placed an expectation on them that only God can fulfill.

• Did this person give you a sense of worth?
• Did they shield you from loneliness?
• Did they make you feel understood in a way you feel you cannot be understood by anyone else?

Whenever we expect an earthly person to be the ultimate anchor of our soul, disappointment and agony are inevitable. No human being—no matter how kind or loved—was designed to bear the full weight of your happiness. Use this suffering as a wake-up call to anchor your heart entirely to the Lord, who alone never changes, never leaves, and never fails.

A Rule of Life for Today

• Confess the burden: Go to your spiritual father. Pour out the sadness, the obsession, and the grief to him in Confession. The grace of the Holy Mystery breaks the demonic weight of despondency.
• Receive Holy Communion: Go to the Divine Liturgy and unite yourself to the living Christ. Allow the Healer of our souls and bodies to touch the deep interior fractures of your heart.
• Give it time: Healing is not an event; it is an ascetic labor that unfolds over weeks and months. Be gentle with yourself, but remain firm in guarding your mind.

The pain will not vanish overnight, but if you stop feeding it and surrender the person into God's hands, the sharp agony will gradually soften into quiet peace.